In the middle of the story
My spirit is sad, no other word for it.
I have determined I will follow Jesus.
There is a verse I read yesterday in John 6:66, and it says, "From that time many of His disciples went back and walked with Him no more."
Disciples - people who had known Him, who had been with Him - decided to leave that path, to stop following Him. They were offended by what He was saying and doing, and they had had enough.
With a broken heart, I have made my choice. I will not have that said of me. I will not be one of the disciples who walks with Him no more.
My Bible reading, as so often lately, confuses me deeply. I read things daily like He will deliver, He will deliver His beloved, the Spirit of adoption, Abba Father, stand and see what the Lord will do, ask what you will, and so on. It makes me sad to read God's Word, it hurts me and troubles me, and that has unnerved me more than I can say. But I will continue.
Although it was not in my scheduled reading for today, a passage in the Bible has come to my mind, and I have meditated much upon it. In fact, I intend that it will be the theme for the upcoming youth retreat (the one without the two children we were so sure would be with us), and what I will speak on, at great length, with as much of my story-telling and visualizing ability as I can muster.
It is Daniel 3.
He is able.
He will deliver us.
But if not...
And that's where I am...at the mouth of the furnace. I thought I was prepared for this crucible. I thought I could take the heat. Or maybe I just never dreamed this would really happen.
I was not prepared, I am not prepared. I am shocked at the intensity of this moment, and at the abandonment I feel. I know, intellectually, that God is with me, and I believe it as a truth, but I do not experience it at present. The heat is too great, the ropes are too tight.
But Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego are my heroes, my examples.
They were young, yet they had already been through deep, lingering, abiding pain. They had lost their homes, their parents, their country, their freedom, even their very names. I cannot imagine.
They had followed Daniel into strange new ways, their diet was changed, they fed on new food and new ideas. They had been strengthened. They no doubt saw evil before their very eyes - in the form of that edifice to a wicked king, the pagan idolatry that was spreading everywhere, and the punishment that was already heating up - literally. And they made a decision to stand strong, even though they knew the cost.
I am trying to imagine the fear that surrounded them, that crept into their stomachs, their hearts, their souls.
It's easier than I want it to be.
I try to picture what it was like to be captured, to be brought before an enraged, insane all-powerful king. And then to be given a way out...and not take it.
We know how it ends. We know it was one of the highest points in the entire Old Testament, and that it included a pre-incarnate appearance of Jesus Christ Himself. We know they were given an experience that would have rivaled any of today's 'near-death' moments, beyond those "I went to heaven and came back" stories. They walked through a room of fire, unbound, with the Son of God. Incomprehensible.
But they didn't know how it would end, they didn't know any of that would happen. And neither do we. We simply are feeling a sudden blast of hot air, and watching guards approach with ropes and cords. I feel faint at what is before us.
Our God is able. He will deliver. But if not....John 6:66 - I will not become one of those to walk with Christ no more.
I am still confused at some of God's promises. I am stunned at His silences, I am broken at His decisions. I am bewildered at His Word. That's as honestly as I can put it. But I can't turn back now, I can't ignore what I know about God, what I know about Christ's sacrifice, what I know about the future that is beyond this life.
I'm not sure this is victory. It feels like defeat, with temperatures this hot and my spirit this grieved. But it's where I am, it's where I am trying to stay.
To all those mid-point in their story, facing something they prayed and prayed would never come, and desperately looking for the hope in the hopelessness: may the Angel of His presence walk with us all today, tonight, tomorrow, and beyond.
I have determined I will follow Jesus.
There is a verse I read yesterday in John 6:66, and it says, "From that time many of His disciples went back and walked with Him no more."
Disciples - people who had known Him, who had been with Him - decided to leave that path, to stop following Him. They were offended by what He was saying and doing, and they had had enough.
With a broken heart, I have made my choice. I will not have that said of me. I will not be one of the disciples who walks with Him no more.
My Bible reading, as so often lately, confuses me deeply. I read things daily like He will deliver, He will deliver His beloved, the Spirit of adoption, Abba Father, stand and see what the Lord will do, ask what you will, and so on. It makes me sad to read God's Word, it hurts me and troubles me, and that has unnerved me more than I can say. But I will continue.
Although it was not in my scheduled reading for today, a passage in the Bible has come to my mind, and I have meditated much upon it. In fact, I intend that it will be the theme for the upcoming youth retreat (the one without the two children we were so sure would be with us), and what I will speak on, at great length, with as much of my story-telling and visualizing ability as I can muster.
It is Daniel 3.
He is able.
He will deliver us.
But if not...
And that's where I am...at the mouth of the furnace. I thought I was prepared for this crucible. I thought I could take the heat. Or maybe I just never dreamed this would really happen.
I was not prepared, I am not prepared. I am shocked at the intensity of this moment, and at the abandonment I feel. I know, intellectually, that God is with me, and I believe it as a truth, but I do not experience it at present. The heat is too great, the ropes are too tight.
But Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego are my heroes, my examples.
They were young, yet they had already been through deep, lingering, abiding pain. They had lost their homes, their parents, their country, their freedom, even their very names. I cannot imagine.
They had followed Daniel into strange new ways, their diet was changed, they fed on new food and new ideas. They had been strengthened. They no doubt saw evil before their very eyes - in the form of that edifice to a wicked king, the pagan idolatry that was spreading everywhere, and the punishment that was already heating up - literally. And they made a decision to stand strong, even though they knew the cost.
I am trying to imagine the fear that surrounded them, that crept into their stomachs, their hearts, their souls.
It's easier than I want it to be.
I try to picture what it was like to be captured, to be brought before an enraged, insane all-powerful king. And then to be given a way out...and not take it.
We know how it ends. We know it was one of the highest points in the entire Old Testament, and that it included a pre-incarnate appearance of Jesus Christ Himself. We know they were given an experience that would have rivaled any of today's 'near-death' moments, beyond those "I went to heaven and came back" stories. They walked through a room of fire, unbound, with the Son of God. Incomprehensible.
But they didn't know how it would end, they didn't know any of that would happen. And neither do we. We simply are feeling a sudden blast of hot air, and watching guards approach with ropes and cords. I feel faint at what is before us.
Our God is able. He will deliver. But if not....John 6:66 - I will not become one of those to walk with Christ no more.
I am still confused at some of God's promises. I am stunned at His silences, I am broken at His decisions. I am bewildered at His Word. That's as honestly as I can put it. But I can't turn back now, I can't ignore what I know about God, what I know about Christ's sacrifice, what I know about the future that is beyond this life.
I'm not sure this is victory. It feels like defeat, with temperatures this hot and my spirit this grieved. But it's where I am, it's where I am trying to stay.
To all those mid-point in their story, facing something they prayed and prayed would never come, and desperately looking for the hope in the hopelessness: may the Angel of His presence walk with us all today, tonight, tomorrow, and beyond.
posted by Donna-Jean Breckenridge at Friday, May 13, 2011
4 Comments:
Donna-Jean!
I am so sad for you a d will continue to lift you up in prayer. It seems to me when we are on the cusp of growing deeper inour knowledge and love of the Lord that those moments right before the new found intimacy are some of the most challenging moments in life.
Your family and Dominique are amidst a storm and you just need to have faith that God is in control and keeping all of you safe... You can see the storm rage around you as the disciples did, only don't panic as they did... Keep your faith in God's power and remember He is in the boat with you keeping you safe!
Praying for you!!!!
My heart breaks for you. My prayers go up for you, sweet sister in Christ. His timing is always perfect and the waiting is always hard.
I hear. I hear you. And I get what you are saying. I love you and I am standing with you in spirit, though I cannot be there in flesh.
yes, yes, YET will be praise you, Lord. through our tears, we will praise you!
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